Shadow Work for Beginners: A Guide on How to Start Shadow Work
Shadow work, a journey into our unseen self, can often seem like an enigmatic, mystical venture. As a shadow work coach, I've come to appreciate it as an integral practice deeply rooted in self-exploration, self-awareness, and the courage to face what we’ve once judged and rejected. It's about acknowledging, embracing, and integrating those facets of ourselves we've pushed aside, releasing the potent, creative power that lies within these suppressed parts.
So… what is Shadow Work?
Shadow work is the process of identifying and integrating the rejected aspects of our Selves. The Self, in this context, includes everything that makes us humans, including our hidden potential. This potential is not just limited to what we want to embody and call into our lives — it’s the potential to be just as boring as we can be creative; to be just as selfish or narcissistic as we can be compassionate and empathetic. The potential hidden away in our Shadows even includes the capacity to be as violent as we can be healing.
Accepting all of what we have rejected, including the traditionally ‘darker’ parts of us (that are dark for a reason), isn’t necessarily about embodying them — it’s about accepting them as a part of our innate human-ness. From this acceptance is born the power of choice. When we feel the privilege of choice, we are able to act from our inner truth and knowing, and are able to let go of a desperate need to prove or defend who we are, or what we are capable of.
So… How do I start shadow work?
If you're contemplating what to do with all this information, or how to start a shadow work practice, know this: it might feel overwhelming at first.
“How do I know what I’m rejecting?”
“How do I know if I’m rejecting something?”
”What do I do once I’ve discovered what I’m rejecting?”
”What if it doesn’t work? How do I know if it’s working”
All great questions. But think about this: we’re actually doing a form of shadow work all the time. Everytime we watch a movie, show, or hear a story where we identify with or relate to a character, or something resonates, while judging another — that’s the Shadow at play! Exploring the emotion that arise while feeling resonance with one character or disdain for another, while we engage with stories (fictional stories or even historical events) is one way to engage with the Shadow.
You see, the shadow communicates with us through our emotions, and understanding how to speak the language of the shadow (and Unconscious) can facilitate an incredibly powerful personal transformation. Why? Because emotions are also how we connect with our intuition. Ultimately, all you need to know if you’re just starting out is that your shadow work process is your own. There are no right or wrongs here — just curiosity, experimentation, and exploration.
“Okay, that all sounds great. But HOW DO I START SHADOW WORK?”
Okay! I hear you!! In this blog post, I will guide you through one simple shadow work exercise for beginners to help you get started.
The Exercise:
The most important thing I want you to remember is that shadow work is a journey rather than a fixed destination. Your Shadow is as much a part of you as any other part (your hands, feet, brain, joy, capacity for love and friendship) quietly influencing your thoughts and actions throughout the day. Understanding this, shadow work becomes less a 'one-time event' and more a long-term commitment to developing an ongoing relationship with your unconscious. Relationships take work, and this one is no different!
To commence your shadow work journey, you’ll need a few things:
WHAT YOU NEED:
a journal & pen
a quite, safe, serene location for introspection
gentle, vibey music (optional)
an unwavering willingness to be honest with yourself (essential)
THE EXERCISE:
This sequence is a guided process to help you connect to your shame. Your shame is typically where your shadow can be most reliably found. Shame is a major key to shadow work, because where we hold shame is also where we tend to [reactively, and often subconsciously] judge others. Judging others, especially in an emotionally charged way, fragments our sense of Self. This is because we learn, either consciously or unconsciously, that the people who demonstrate the behavior/personality traits that are judged do not deserve to be fully loved or accepted…. which also applies to the parts of us (including past selves) that has done that, or even carries that potential to do or be that again.
This is not to say “don’t hold necessary boundaries or protect your safety in order to extend love to others so you can integrate your shadow.” What I AM saying is that putting our metaphorical weapons down towards others helps us see reality as it’s unfolding in real time, instead of clinging onto subjective narratives that protect our intricately-crafted-but-ultimately-still-false sense of Self.
So in this exercise, we are going to connect to our sense of shame.
Lets get started.
DISCLAIMER:
Please use your discretion when doing any kind of shadow work — if you tend to be easily overwhelmed by your emotions, it is better to do this work with someone (either a professional, or an experienced and trusted friend) who can prevent you from spiraling and help ground you if you get too activated.
Set Your Space: Your chosen spot should be quiet, undisturbed, and cozy. The safe haven you create will offer a sense of support as you navigate the sometimes complicated and difficult emotions that shadow work can stir up. I personally love to build myself a plush nest of pillows and blankets in a dimly lit room, surrounding myself with candles, and put on soft, ambient, and slightly dark music (movie soundtracks are some of my fav’s). Minimizing distractions is a must, so put your phone on silent and ensure you have an uninterrupted hour for yourself, or however much time you need to go through the steps and process what comes up.
Invite In Embarrassment: With your journal at hand, ask yourself this question, "What am I most embarrassed about?" Listen to what your mind and body have to say. Write down, either in a list or in brain-dump style, whatever comes to mind. This can be specific aspects related to your personality, certain behaviors that you might not want others to know about, choices you’ve made in the past that you aren’t proud of, or even uncomfortable and temporary life circumstances. Remember, this exercise is a private one - be raw, real, and unrestricted. Nobody is here to persecute, shame, or punish you for whatever you put on paper. (You can always burn the page when you’re finished with the exercise, as a ritual of acceptance and release).
Connect with Your Body: After you’ve exhausted your list of embarrassments, set a timer for 1-2 minutes. During this time allow your mind and body to sit in the question, “what would happen if people found out?” Notice how your physical body responds to this hypothetical. How does that shame feel? Where in your body do you feel it? Is there a color, shape, or texture, etc? Sit with the sensations for a moment. For bonus points, see if you can draw what those sensations feel like (then you can burn that, too, if you want).
Engage Your Imagination: If it feels safe to do so, let your imagination illustrate the worst-case scenario of the previous question. So what if people found out? So what if they knew about all the things you’re embarrassed by? Try this exercise one shame-item at a time, as opposed to all at once (that would be overwhelming). Remember, any scenario born of the Imagination Station is never to be judged. They are simply windows into the biggest fears you might have. When we look at them directly, we can then see the function that your Shadow plays in protecting you.
Dissect (The Story): After you’ve spend a few minutes journalling on exactly what happens in your worst-case hypothetical, try to list out the individual, specific-to-you consequences. Do you get rejected? Abandoned? Exiled by everyone you once loved and trusted? Shamed and had a smear campaign spread against you on all the major news outlets? Fired? Lose all your money? Betrayed by your greatest love? Thrown away and forgotten about? Again, get as detailed as you need, but keep your list of consequences centering yourself, as opposed to other people (for now). They’re important too, but we’re working with your Shadow here, not theirs.
Reflect (on The Story): Once you’ve gotten a list of consequences, it’s time to get so real with yourself. Remember that time earlier (on this page) where I asked you to be ruthlessly honest with yourself? Yeah, this next question is where you’ll need that honesty. Here it is: How do you already treat people the way you’re afraid to be treated? Really sit with this and see what comes up. It’s natural for the first response to be, “well, I don’t!” If that’s the case, I want to invite you to zoom out a little more and then look again.
‣ If you’re afraid of getting fired, where might have you ‘fired’ someone (either literally or metaphorically) who may have been in a simliar position to you now?
‣ If you’re afraid of being betrayed or abandoned, where and when have you betrayed or abandoned someone? (hint: maybe that someone is yourself?)
‣ If you’re afraid of being thrown away, who might you have thrown away and why? (even if it’s only in your mind, and you still physically see them all the time 😛)
‣ If you’re afraid of being persecuted and excluded, who do you persecute or exclude, and why?
‣ If you’re afraid of being manipulated, how do you manipulate and why?
If you can’t think of an answer right away, get creative and be patient — there’s almost always something there, but your Shadow may decide that it’s not safe to reveal this information to your conscious mind yet! If that’s the case, try connecting to this question again each night for a few days in a row. A convenient circumstance where this dynamic plays out may reveal itself in real time! Either way, keep your eyes (and awareness) peeled.Connect with Your Body (Again): Once you’ve acknowledged your own Shadow-y behavior by recognizing where you do the thing you’re afraid of, feel into the “why” of that emotion. If it feels like fear, where do you feel it? What are the sensations? Again, try to be as curious about this as possible. If you find yourself judging yourself or feeling angry that you did that when asking the questions, try to shift to a lens of pity. All in all, just stay curious and feel into the part of you who made the decision to act that way.
Dialogue with Your Emotion: Lastly, treat your feeling as a separate entity and gently ask them, "What did you need? What would have made you feel safe enough to not need to do that? What would help you find peace in this situation? What do you need now? and how can I give that to you?" Trust the process and be patient with the answers - they can come in thoughts, feelings, images, or even action steps. The answer that emotion gives you is the key to integrating the Shadow. Once this aspect of your shadow has been integrated, you’ll know. How will you know? When you take the same Shadow aspect through this exercise and feel acceptance for the behavior or trait, where you once felt shame. That, and you’ll feel a sense of relief and acceptance towards the people you once felt shame, resentment, or judgmental about.
And voila!
You've not only identified a piece of your shadow but also begun an engaging with it. This is how to initiate your shadow work practice! Or at least one strategy, anyway. (Remember, your process is yours!)
Why Shadow Work Works:
You see, when we observe the stories that our fears write for us in a single moment of shame (despite what we may logically “know” to be true), we are able to also notice exactly how far our writing skills extend. We become able to see the endless potential that lives within our creativity. Just think: if you knew how to use that energy consciously to write your own stories, what could you create?
As we delve deeper into future posts, we'll introduce more techniques on how to do shadow work safely and effectively. For now, I urge you to practice this beginner's exercise regularly, daring to dig a bit deeper each time; or for further guidance, try working with an experienced Shadow worker (ps. did you know about this link to work with me directly?). As you probably know by now, Shadow work can be a powerful transformative tool for self-discovery, self-acceptance, and personal growth, and I am so excited to be part of your journey.
Until next time, see you on the internet!