The 2 skills needed to master Shadow Work

Have you noticed that “shadow work” has become somewhat of a buzzword in today’s healing circles? Often, I’ll hear well-meaning individuals talk about shadow work as the process of befriending our “dark sides” or accepting the parts of ourselves we don’t like. While this isn’t untrue, it’s not the whole picture.

When I talk about shadow work, I'm specifically referring to the practice of identifying and integrating repressed aspects of the Self. This context is important because shadow content often becomes pushed down due to past experiences that we couldn’t fully process at the time (which is why I run a trauma-informed coaching program).

Shadow Work is about bringing forward the abandoned, rejected, neglected, and/or forgotten aspects of ourselves. The Shadow work practice is about becoming curious about these Shadow Aspects (aka, “Parts”) , learning to understand them, and — eventually — meet their needs, and/or provide them with the tools and perspectives that they didn’t have, which is why they were conceived in the first place.

With this in mind, we know we need 2 skills to make a Shadow work practice most effective: emotional regulation skills, and being able to dis-identify from thoughts and feelings. Let’s explore this further.

I) Emotional Regulation Skills:

Building Awareness of Body Cues & Staying Within the Window of Tolerance

The first necessary skill needed for an effective shadow work practice is developing emotional regulation skills. This involves understanding your window of tolerance – that sweet spot where you're neither hyper-aroused (overwhelmed) nor hypo-aroused (disconnected). Emotional regulation is about recognizing and responding to your body’s cues, both positive and negative.

The concept of the 'window of tolerance' was originally developed by Dr. Dan Siegel. This term describes the optimal zone of arousal in which we are able to function most effectively. Within this window, we can process experiences and emotions without feeling overwhelmed, shutting down, or reverting to unhealthy coping mechanisms. When we are within this window, we can effectively manage our emotional state and participate in everyday life as usual. However, when stimuli or stressors become too intense, we might tip outside this window – into a state of hyperarousal (overwhelm, anxiety, reactivity — sympathetic activation) or hypoarousal (numbness, disconnection, unresponsiveness, depression, or dissociation — dorsal shut down) (Siegel, 1999). For Shadow work to be effective (or at the very least, not retraumatizing), we need to be able to understand where we are in our window of tolerance and how to walk ourselves back from the edge.

Part of maintaining our position inside the window of tolerance involves becoming aware of our body cues and signals that indicate stress responses or activation. For instance, what are the bodily sensations that signal you're feeling trapped or smothered by somebody? Perhaps a tightness in your chest or a restlessness in your legs? And how do you know if you’re feeling unsupported or threatened? Maybe it’s a clenching in the stomach or a tension in the shoulders. Understanding these cues is critical as they point towards either underlying needs – the need for space, safety, support — or a violation of a boundary, or an unresolved pain-point (Shadow content!). When we are aware of these cues but don’t respond to them, the Shadow aspect (aka, “Part”) tied to the cues tends to feel even more abandoned, neglected, or forgotten, which can send our bodies even further toward the edge (or beyond!) of the window of tolerance, regardless of whether that Part is conscious or not. When we respond to the cues by meeting the need (or even just acknowledging or attempting to meet the need) we bring the charge down and effectively hold our position within the window of tolerance, if not lessen the charge.

Having strong emotional regulation skills also means consistently and intentionally self-soothing through our various internal and external resources. This skill helps to bring ourselves back to a state of centeredness, even if we hit the edge of (or, God forbid!, go beyond) the window of tolerance. Internal resources are things like self-attunement tools, active imagination sequences, somatic processing tools, or even positive self-talk. External resources would be connecting with a trusted friend or exploring the emotion with a skilled practitioner.

TIP: Don’t wait until you’re activated or triggered to practice your self-soothing skills!

II) Dis-Identifying with Emotion

Building The ‘Gentle Observer’ Mind Muscle

The second key skill is the ability to dis-identify with an emotion while still holding its energy in your body. This is about maintaining a connection to whatever is present in your physical experience, while simultaneously observing the physical and psychic sensations with detachment and curiosity.

Imagine feeling a surge of anger. You might notice heat in your face, tightness through your chest, and a pulsing through your arms, like you want to break something. The thoughts running through your mind might be, “I can’t believe this! They think they’re better than me!! How DARE they!”

In this moment, it’s easy to buy into that narrative. Our brains are wired in a way where it wants you to believe that narrative (watch this TedTalk to have your mind blown). However, that narrative is very likely just an interpretation of the heat, the tightness, the pulsing, based off of past experiences where you being the inferior person in the dynamic was the most logical, immediately available conclusion. As we learn to dis-identify with the automatic narratives our brains produce, we can begin to notice a very clear distinction between the felt sense (in the body) and the mental narrative or stories tied to those sensations.

Painful narratives are often times the easiest points of entry into the Shadow, which means that in order to explore those points safely (without retraumatizing ourselves!) we need to be able to hold the emotional charge tied to the narratives without becoming swallowed by them (identifying with them), or judging them, or judging ourselves for having them.

To “identify with” an emotion means that the narratives or interpretation of the felt sense transcends our personal truth, and evolves (unconsciously) into an objective truth. But the funny thing is that it’s never an objective truth. It only feels that way, because our minds can’t see the possibility of any other interpretation being true.

If I’m identified with the story that “they think they’re better than me!” then regardless of any objective evidence pointing towards an opposing narrative (or, more accurately, an absence of confirming evidence) it IS true that they think they’re better than me! Even if they’ve never said or done anything to confirm that. It feels true, therefore it is the truth. This is what happens when we are identified with our emotions and their narratives.

The remedy for this, and second necessary skill for an effective Shadow work practice, is building the Gentle Observer Mind. I always recommend reading the first 4 chapters of Untethered Soul by Michael Singer to get a stronger sense for what this can look and feel like in your personal journey. The Gentle Observer mind is often akin to the Loving Inner Parent. It’s an extension of the Ego that works for us instead of against us and takes on the role of the parent or authority figure we wish we had as a child, teenager, young adult, etc.

TIP to tie the two skills together: If you notice yourself beginning to identify with an emotion or narrative, that is often the first signal that you are in movement towards the edge of your window of tolerance. This is your cue to start resourcing NOW!

Got these skills down? Congrats! YOU’RE PREPARED FOR Shadow Work

Ultimately, Shadow work is a delicate dance between staying connected to our emotions and stepping back to understand them, and the Shadow aspects communicating through them. By cultivating emotional regulation and mastering the art of dis-identification, we equip ourselves with the tools necessary for this deep inner work. It is through these practices that we can begin to call forth the untapped power hiding in our unconscious.

TIP: Remember, Shadow work is a continuous practice – you don’t have to integrate all at once. Take fulfillment in the process as a practice.

References:

Siegel, D. J. (1999). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. Guilford Press.